Murky Waters

I find myself sitting upon the shore – gazing out upon a vast dark lake.
It’s murky depths call to me and I find myself wishing to enter. I stand up and walk to the edge. Slowly I begin to wade into it’s depths. The warmth of the water curls up my legs sending waves of emotion through out my body. The caress of a lover stroking my skin – setting it afire. Deeper and deeper I wade – soon I find myself thinking of nothing else besides giving myself completely to the darkness below the surface…

Slipping below the surface my breath catches in my throat – tightness in my chest as I suffocate beneath the murky waters. Darkness sweeps in and I start to become numb. The shadows that have been forever hidden in the furthest corners of my mind now swell and overtake all thought. Sinking, deeper and deeper – I start to feel comfort in this murky binding depth and though I miss the taste of fresh air upon my lips – it’s a memory that soon fades. The darkness that now surrounds me is like an old friend, a cancerous tumor upon my soul that I’ve somehow grown fond of.

For years and years I dwell within this murky depth – every now and then glimpsing a shadow of the outside world. Every now and then missing the caress of hope and light – but now I am scared. I’ve lingered here so long under this force of sorrow that I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to be free. The thought of it tears me apart and I sink deeper into my own hell. The whisper of faith and all that’s good taunts me in this hell – echoing through out the darkness – I must drowned it out so I scream – I scream out as rage and hatred bubble up from inside – as the stink of rotting flesh and decayed morals pulses through my veins… the whisper has stopped – once again I am alone here in the dark…. alone yet comfortable within my diseased vision of love.

As I succumb to the depths of dispare and I suddenly realize that I am being drawn up … up towards the light. I begin to struggle – the tightness back in my chest. It’s been to long – I can’t go up there… I hate this force that is pulling me from my darkness – the shadows in which I found comfort begin to recede and soon I feel my head burst above the surface once again… A deep breath of fresh air fills my lungs and I cry out in pain. I cannot do this – I cannot live in the light once again. I cannot leave the darkness behind… I try to fling myself back into the depths of now freezing waters but I cannot. The sun shines it’s brilliance upon my face and warms my skin. The taste of a fresh breeze lingers upon my lips and the darkness recedes further. Tears fall from my eyes as an empty chamber now fills my soul where the darkness once rested.

I find myself sitting upon the shore – gazing out upon a vast dark lake. It’s murky depths call to me and I find myself wishing to enter. It beckons me like an old lover – willing me back into it’s depths. As I sit here and feel the warmth around me somewhere deep down I long for the dark … It sickens me that I wish to go back into that hell yet it holds and everlasting beauty… The emptiness in my chest still lingers and the hollowness is like a constant reminder that somewhere deep down I yern to be taken under once again….