This poem was created to be spoken. You will find the spoken version on video below the poem. It is a very personal poem to me as it reflects true events in my life that are very touchy and emotional in nature.
I will never forget the day that I found out,
the way my heart sank into my gut, slow motion,
like the ship that it just springs a leak and begins to sink,
chaos and confusion,
thoughts screaming through my head
like passengers surrounded by Cold Waters filled with predators
No escape in sight – life or death
caught in my throat,
trapped between my lungs and tongue,
Vision blurs as the memories stir
anxiety gripping my chest like a vise grip.
I think I’m losing my grip.
I want to scream and tell her I am sorry.
I’m sorry you had to meet him,
a wolf in sheep’s skin.
How do I begin
to tell her I – was his first victim?
Late at night with sneaky hands he would come to me to cum on me.
His seed spilled with sin and I was trapped within
my 6yr old self.
At least I – made it out alive.
I – was able to survive.
He had told her they were digging for treasure
and I can just see this woman with the mind of a child
digging with pleasure
her own grave.
Buried in Lake Michigan sands, he had cut off her hands.
Bashed her face in with an ax
buried her in her hole
and never looked back
She was someone’s daughter,
she was a treasure to another
and he had buried her like the ugly secrets dysfunctional families try to keep buried.
But secrets don’t stay buried forever
neither did she.
sands are always shifting and x marked the spot. So up come her bones, skeletons kicked out of the closet polished by the sands of time so they reflect the secrets of a lifetime.
a stipulation placed upon me by my mother that I should still love him because he is my brother.
How can I smother the guilt for her when I was the first
when it was because of me
its all a whirl
wind in my head
the guilt of it all
because only one of us is dead.
Voluntary Manslaughter is how he pled.
I wish I could Have begged
For her not to have gone with him,
on a whim but I didn’t know
was going to go
and now she’s gone
Life can be so wrong.
Now he’s got 4o do 20
And years can go by fast
I was his first victim
I hope she’s the last.