Innocence Lost
Everyone has a story to tell
This is Mine...
I am updating this story at 41 years old. It’s a story I’ve had out there for many years and have edited to fit as time passes by. It is a bit long – but it is who I am.
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I learned early that family life was not always easy, and could be very scary sometimes. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who never really stuck with me with his fists, but his emotions were ice. You never knew what kind of mood he would be in, or if you could have friends over…. Would he come home yelling and slamming cabinets, or would he just sit and watch TV?
My mother stuck by him and he eventually gave up alcohol … but I will always remember him making my brothers go out and pick up cigarette butts from the drive at 1:00 in the morning and setting fire in the sink. Having my mom pile us all in the car; we were finally leaving … just to turn and go home.
I was once pulled out of bed by the hair of the head, dragged upstairs and spanked for leaving a light on. It didn’t take much to push his buttons. As an adult I’ve learned more how abusive my father was towards my mother. Not with his fists, but if she didn’t have sex with him he would rage and storm around the house for days. Once in awhile our family would go out to eat or go to the county fair. We seemed a happy family during those times, and I will cherish those memories always.
I am the only girl with two brothers, and I am the youngest child. My oldest brother (1/2 brother) is from my mothers first marriage and my father adopted him upon marring my mother. The middle child (my full biological brother) and I had a good relationship and I knew, at one time; I could always depend on him. Although my father stopped drinking when I was in middle school, he did not know how to show emotion, and we had learned early in life not to expect to much. He never asked us about school or friends, and if we asked him about his day we got a grunt and shoulder shrug as a reply. He and my mother kept a rocky marriage.
I was also molested when I was younger by my oldest 1/2 brother.
I don’t remember when it started, but I remember certain aspects that I will not go into detail about, and I remember my mother catching us in the act. I was 9 years old and he was around 13. I’m sure her world flipped upside down the moment she saw what was happening to her daughter.
No, it’s not a pleasant thought at all, but like I said I am not alone, and there are more horrific stories out there still in the dark.
We were outside with our clothes on and he had me bent over the stairs, dry humping me. It was kind of late at night and everyone was supposed to be sleeping. My mother stirred and went checking in on her kids…
I think I have blocked out a lot of the memories but there are a few that I can recall. He used to encourage me to “trade” favors for toys and things I may have liked from his room. Luckily enough, we never actually had sexual intercourse (although my innocence about sex was shattered). I remained a virgin until I met my first love.
I believe it may have been going on between the ages of 6-9 … but then again I don’t really have memories of much earlier.
I also know that my mother did what she could to try to get help for her evidently troubled son. She tried to follow all the “official channels” to get help… including filing a police report against him. He was sent away to a mental institution a couple of hours away from our home. We sought out one or two family therapy sessions, and before you knew it we were on our way to pick him up. He was there maybe 1 1/2 yrs.
Was he rehabilitated? Mmmm… no.
I can say so because when he came back I was almost 11 and he tried again. He succeeded for a short time before I drew up the courage to stop it myself. Soon after that my father began to toss him out of the house. He was about 15ish.
Crazy though, after he was sent away the first time … how some other family members thought that they may be able to get away with it. Going into my teen years I had to handle a few years of hidden come on’s and “roaming hands” from 2 other major male members of my family. All in all 4 male members of my family have come one to me inappropriately in one way or another.
In school, in my fifth grade year rumors went flying that I had sex with my brother – someone used chalk to draw on my dead end street that I was a whore and I fucked my brother. My first 11yr old crush and my first true “kiss” got into a fight for me over it. lol. Allowed me to learn that not everyone was a bully … Even when I entered high school, someone told my first love that I “fucked” my brother. Kids can be cruel. I had to tell him what happened… it was embarrassing and crazy … he loved me anyway…
I think it was rubbed in my face enough by society that I lost the shame for it. Yeah, it happened … and it happens to so many more people it’s unreal.
I dealt with a lot of pain and anger in my middle school years. I was very mean to my friends and began cutting myself. I would hit walls and bite and scream into pillows. I also began writing poetry. I pushed my friends away and spent my 13th summer, the summer before high school alone.
Once in high school I made amends with my friends and ended up meeting a few more, including my first love, Esteban. His family showed me what family was meant to be like, and I instantly fell in love. I was 14. My past had left me emotionally scared and I still had a lot of things to deal with, but he showed me what love was, and forgiveness… and his mother taught me kindness and compassion. His father, played the one I didn’t really have and encouraged me to be all that I could while teaching me philosophy and wisdom. I began to realize that I gave my anger for my past to much control over my life.
Hating somebody or something took to much energy, and I learned to focus my energy on more positive things.
I do not hate my brother, he has had his own troubled life.
As children my father may have adopted him, but always treated him different, as did my real grandfather. We knew that if we did something wrong we could blame him and my father would punish him. When he originally was sent away he was diagnosed with HDAD, but the facility never notified my parents… He got kicked out of high school … kicked out of the house and on his own …. Ended up breaking some laws and has spent the majority of his life locked up.
His life and path have become separate from my own though it may cross occasionally. I do not expect anything from him. The last time I saw him was around 2009 and it ended on some bad terms. He is currently locked up for the next 20 – 40 years for manslaughter. He was charged and convicted for killing a woman he had met who had lived next door to me before he encouraged her to leave with him. You can find that local newspaper article HERE. To see his inmate government profile click HERE.
Neither of these articles even mention the troubles he had as a child, and the counts of sexual battery on his rap sheet are not related to what he did to me. Sadly, I was only his first victim, unfortunately not all of us survived him. You can read a tribute I wrote to the woman he murdered Here. He has 5 children with 4 women. Out of my 5 nieces and nephews I’ve gotten to see one grow up.
My father and mother divorced after my mother had a life or death brain surgery. You can read about my mom’s experience Here. It left her permanently disabled and he couldn’t handle it. I was fresh out of high school. He remarried and although I have a hard time communicating with him, and trouble understanding why he left my mom the way he did… I have to admit, he seems a happier person. I do love him, he is my father. He helped me a bit in my early 20’s when I needed it but I haven’t seen or heard from him in at almost 15 years now. He never reaches out and I learned as a kid to never reach in… I guess some things won’t change.
I have a thread in me that still sees my father as I saw him as a child. I cannot seem to make full amends with my father. I don’t know how to talk to him. We would have to address the issues he caused our family to start with – and he isn’t willing to do so. I’ve let it go for the most part and moved on with my life. I don’t have much respect for any of the men in my intermediate family. It’s ok though because I have men in my life who have shown me how a real father loves his children – how loyal and protective a brother is – and how a true man walks the walk. For every male in my family who has abandoned me, another has filled their role through friendships, love and lifetime bonds.
My life has been one story after another. During my high school years, right after my first love and I met, and broke up for the first time; (and after loosing my virginity to him) I fell for and ran away with another man – 19yrs of age who romanced me off my feet, and told me all the things I needed to hear.
He loved me with all his heart and was upset that my parents disapproved. I would sneak out to see him all the time and would skip school just to be with him. He cherished me like no one had before and I felt special. I was 15 when we skipped several states and ran away to Texas where we stayed for 2 months. I soon realized that I couldn’t go back to school being a run away, if I got hurt, I would be sent home anyway – so I made the decision to go back home.
The only problem with that was I got this man in trouble when I did. I was young, scared and didn’t want to go to juvenile detention so with the coaxing of distressed parents I claimed I was kidnapped. He wasn’t charged because I couldn’t bring myself to tell such a lie in court. I eventually came out to everyone that I had just ran away. It was a life lesson for me. Something I don’t regret that taught me things I may not have learned so early in life.
I went back to high school and summer school for 3 yrs straight to graduate with my class due to losing a years worth of credits over 2 months. Upon returning home from running away my first love and I reunited and maintained a relationship for many years. It was rocky but we did love one another, and his family is still very much like my own.
I have dealt with my past but I still have a self destructive tendency that I have to keep in check. It caused me quite a few problems in my early 20’s. My first love and I had to deal with a ton of issues that came up in our relationship due to my past and us growing up together. After 13 years, by our late 20’s my first love and I had done quite a bit of damage to each others hearts. We had broken up countless times only to eventually get back together again. We both made mistakes and were a little mental with each other. We loved one another, there was no doubt; but we both finally realized that we couldn’t live the rest of our lives that way. We had to much water under the bridge it had almost floated away and we didn’t want to end up hating each other. We ended the relationship. It was hard but we both knew it was for the better. We were stuck in a loop of destructive behaviors. He still remains one of my closest friends and knows me just about better than anyone.
I am still very close with his family as well. They are they ones who showed me what a true family was about. With the help of a couple of best friends I started to feel like someone and finding myself again.
I got out and started moving around and making my path as a single dating woman.
That journey led me out of my hometown and to my husband. At the time of updating this, we’ve been married for almost 9 years. We got married in October 2011. We are very happy together and complement one another well.
In 2016 I gained custody of my two God Children. We are now a beautiful and happy, family of 4. I was blessed with the children I always wanted.
I still deal with mood swings sometimes but my husband is very patient with me. Depression still rears it’s ugly head occasionally but I just take it one day at a time and try to live life the best way I know how.
I’ve gone back into practicing and researching my spirituality and creativity. I am embracing the Witch that I have become. These days I may play with my shadows a bit and sit in the darkness for awhile – I do not let it consume me.
I could write more detail about obstacles that I have had to over come due to my early child hood years and the emotional problems it’s created – but that’s a lot of reading. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and have tried to learn from them the best I can. I’ve been physically abused, mentally abused and emotionally abused. I have survived. I have best friends that have suffered abuse more darker than my own. Being locked in a room for days – beaten to a bloody mess?? I never had it that bad. But it’s not about how bad we had it – it’s about how we survived. Every abuse is abuse no matter how grand or small and it hinders your spirit and soul.
I put my story out there so that others may know they are not alone. We all have stories to tell and now you know some of mine.
